Postnatal Visitors 👀

😬 Postnatal visitors 😬

A potentially awkward subject.

I’m inspired to write about it after opening the door to a couple of distant relatives laden with gifts and flowers during a postnatal visits.

They came after being told not to come yet.

On the morning of a national bank holiday.

3 days after an unexpectedly early birth.

Stating ‘We know we are not supposed to be here, we won’t stay long.’

And comparing themselves to the 3 kings bearing gifts 🙄

WHO DOES THAT 🤯?

(Don’t do that!)

Anyway, postnatal visiting can be a tricky thing to navigate, as parents but also as visitors. Here are a few rules that might make it easier.

And no, you are not being precious for wanting BOUNDARIES around visiting times.

RULES FOR PARENTS:

💥Don’t be afraid of boundaries. Set them early, and firmly. Preferably antenatally. You are NOT being mean.

💥Don’t hesitate to state your needs. Don’t ask don’t get.

💥Accept help. This is a hard one for many, but just say yes and let people help you. Unless the help comes with more baggage than it removes 🙃

💥Don’t feel obliged to open the door. It’s there for a reason.

💥A note on the door goes a long way, and the written word is easier to communicate than a face to face conversation. Lamination adds gravitas.

RULES FOR VISITORS:

💥 Unless you are 10000% sure that your visit is wanted/appreciated/helpful, DONT VISIT.

💥 Don’t be offended by boundaries. Respect them. This is a new family figuring out their new life.

💥Don’t ask to visit. Ask what food you can bring, offer help or lend a listening ear. ‘What do you fancy (or even better ‘do you have any foods you don’t eat?’…..this is easier to answer than ‘what do you fancy’) don’t worry, we are not coming in, we’ll just drop stuff on the doorstep. Do you have any dirty washing we can take for you?’

💥 There is an inner circle of immediate loved ones and friends that have different abilities to gauge what is needed. You know who you are probably. If in doubt, you are probably NOT it.

💥And there is a wider circle of friends/relatives and aquaintances that may or may not be invited to visit in the early weeks. You really have to get over yourself if that bothers you. You also know who you are, most likely. If in doubt, send well wishes and gifts in the post. Generally assume that it’s NOT ok to just turn up.

💥If you ARE invited into the holy space of the new family, DONT ASSUME you are going to be snuggling a baby. Don’t even assume you are going to get a particularly good look at them.

💥Be helpful. Bring food. (Nourishing, not constipating. Perhaps savoury, sweet snacking gets OLD.) Gifts for parents not the baby. Massage vouchers. Doula session vouchers. Sling consultation. Cleaning voucher (only if it’s DEFINITELY not going to offend.) Take away vouchers. Ask what you can help with. Wash the dishes, run the hoover round. Take siblings to the park, take dog for a walk. Be creative.

💥Ask the new parents how they are feeling. Don’t pry, they might want to talk lots, equally, they may not be ready to talk. READ THE ROOM.

💥Don’t offer empty platitudes such as ‘main thing is that your baby is healthy.’ ‘You must be SO happy’ Etc.

💥Don’t stay long.

💥Be there at the end of the phone. Especially when things get tough.

💥Don’t come when you are sick. Wash your hands.

Hope that is helpful. These are not universal rules that will work for EVERYBODY.

Sometimes the very distant acquaintance turns out to be the best support that knows JUST what you need.

Sometimes your closest loved one is the least helpful support person.

Occasionally a surprise, unannounced visit comes at JUST the most needed time.

Peaceful Babymooning ♥️